I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
