Please, let me fuck your mom
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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