So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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