Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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