I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
