Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Boobs are out for the taking
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
