Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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