never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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