Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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