hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
