When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish they made helmets for livers.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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