you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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