i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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