I hope mine doesn't look like that
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
