Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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