On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
