I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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