No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
