omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
