dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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