I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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