Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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