Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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