Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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