I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
