the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need water and some morals
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
