I puked a lego.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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