Cold hands, warm shart.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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