I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
