oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
