nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
