Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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