you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
