we have pet lesbian snakes
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
