Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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