you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
