Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
