I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
