I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
