he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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