the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
