Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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