Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
