you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
