Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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