What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
