Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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