Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
