I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
