I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
